Minus 2 days to the big trip and my hearth and my brain are totally panicking.
Come on agata is just a trip!!!! that sounds relaxing but is not.
I planned everything in every minimum detail and the more I think the more I am sure I will find something that completely freak me out and will make me crazy....
We are going to Rome with Bob, I will meet Nadia and Irene and introduce them to him, we will go to Naples, then we will take the boat to Lipari, where we will camp for 3 days.
Finally I will show to him the most beautiful places in Sicily: Agrigento and Scala dei turchi, Noto and Mrina di Ragusa, Siracusa and vendicari, Alcantara e Catania, and o course Butera and Falconara.
I have a feeling that I may not find the strenght to come back here... home sick should go away time by time, but what if doesn't? is it going to be a continuous swinging between extreme happiness and extreme sadness? I feel, on the contrary, not belonging to my country either, I love my country of course, but I feel I cannot live there for long... My soul in this days of waiting is like a boat surfing with no compass... no direction... no desire to explore new lands, probably because these lands makes me worried about the future...
Living the present is harder that living in the past or in the future...
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Tuesday, August 17, 2010
the theory of the Apathy
Today I started my evening with an argument about jealousy with my KE.
I was devastated at the end... I cried... I sit on the floor for few minutes... then finally I decided to open my laptop. I wasn't looking for something special, just a way to don't fall in the apathy, and here it is, I wiki this word and I found that "apathy" was the Greek philosophy of the stoic movement. in psychology means "status without emotions".
The Greek philosophy means with this word the "absence of passions".
I can feel sometimes this status... very similar to depression they say, just in a more controlled and comfortable way. My religion is based on devotion and apathy to superior orders. I am not saying I live in a convent, but the place where I was born is very traditional... too much sometimes.
I am going home in few days, i looked some pictures about my past and I almost don't remember those emotions anymore... I remember places, situations, names, faces, dates.. but not feelings.
Why?
Am I becoming more and more apathic?
Is it possible that the only think I do care so far is job, money, schedules, time, deadline, plans, food...?
where are the emotions? where are the feelings? the positive ones?
I am sure they are hidden somewhere in some part of my hearth, waiting as desperate for this vacation to wake up again...
but what will be when I will come back again? How devastating will be coming back as an immigrant and counting the days for a second vacation? Is it going to be like this over and over? At one point will I stop missing my country? If yes does it mean I will forget my family as well? If no will I ever be happy here?
I am not afraid of being apathic, I am afraid for people who loves me. I may not be a nice or good person anymore.
I realized that being nice and not mean can open many many doors, and not only with friends, but also at work.
But, as many other things in this country, the exaggeration brings people to think in the opposite way: you have to behave nicely instead of being nice. There is a thin difference but this can explain a lot of different daily things. Here it is an example: Situation 1
A: Hi, how aaare youuuu"?
B. I am dooing greeeat!!!! and you??
A: veeery good, thank you!!
this is different than this: Situation 2
A: ciao, come va?
B: non c'รจ male, tu?
C: mah, non mi lamento.
situation A is a typical american short talk, situation B is a typical italian talk.
In US after you say that, there is not so much important staff to talk about.. you think the conversation is over, and maybe that is what Americans want, they don't want to talk. And you brought the other person to believe that everything in your life is perfect, so even if the other has not such a great life, it fakes the answer to don't make the first one worried or inquiring more.
But since I am italian, I am curious, I like to socialize and listen to people problems, and hopefully help them, I trick people whenever I can with freezing sentences like: "this morning I really didn't want to wake up". The immediately reaction on the other side is astonishment and concern, as if you are going to suicide or similar. I don't know if people are nice or behave nicely, or worst, they are mean and wish you the worst thing, hiding this behind a fake smile. In Italy I would believe the third one, mostly because of our envies nature. But here I couldn't figure yet.
I think people are afraid to show their real emotions, which means this may be the excellent place to become apathic as stoicics.
On the other way we italians sometimes like to throw sand on ourselves, we pee against the wind, or give the hoe on our feet... in short, we like to complain even if our life is medium good... just because whenever something really good happens in our life, we like to "surprise" others and make them green of envy. Or maybe we want to be a little bit superstitious...
One time it happened to me during a conversation to hear this: "I am doing great, my son started school, my husband found a new job.. only... my dad was recently discovered with cancer".
Similar to this the immediate reaction was my worried face, and the girl in front of me said: " oh, don't worry... we knew that he was going to probably, and we are very positive about the possibility of new cure, we are sure he will fight it".
I would never announce such a touching personal news with all this optimism... these americans are awesome.. I don't know the reason of this self control, but I have a theory.
The mothers here are different and grow their kids in a different way than in Italy... one of this is the minor attachment that they create in terms of nutrition. They don't feed the babies, they watch the babies eating by themselves. And when they cry or complains their eyes are cold, indifferent, almost apathic. I am sure they force themselves being like this, or maybe they just... are like this.
Therefore they grow up less prone to give love. They give you their house, their car, their money, their time.. but they don't express emotions in the same way we do...
One of my friend dated an american-chinese guy and that is eve worst: his mother never kissed him!!!
To conclude, my theory is: apathy is a transient flexible status of the soul, everyone can experience it during lifetime several times.. it is similar to the reaction of breathing the helium: inert.
Feeling again emotions after apathy, re-gain the uncontrollable status of fluctuating sensations is like to come to the life over and over again... and this is similar only to one reaction: the first breath after born.
My day starts when i put my head on the pillow and I go to sleep, cause the way how I sleep determines the success of my tomorrow.
Good night and golden dreams.
Agatina
I was devastated at the end... I cried... I sit on the floor for few minutes... then finally I decided to open my laptop. I wasn't looking for something special, just a way to don't fall in the apathy, and here it is, I wiki this word and I found that "apathy" was the Greek philosophy of the stoic movement. in psychology means "status without emotions".
The Greek philosophy means with this word the "absence of passions".
I can feel sometimes this status... very similar to depression they say, just in a more controlled and comfortable way. My religion is based on devotion and apathy to superior orders. I am not saying I live in a convent, but the place where I was born is very traditional... too much sometimes.
I am going home in few days, i looked some pictures about my past and I almost don't remember those emotions anymore... I remember places, situations, names, faces, dates.. but not feelings.
Why?
Am I becoming more and more apathic?
Is it possible that the only think I do care so far is job, money, schedules, time, deadline, plans, food...?
where are the emotions? where are the feelings? the positive ones?
I am sure they are hidden somewhere in some part of my hearth, waiting as desperate for this vacation to wake up again...
but what will be when I will come back again? How devastating will be coming back as an immigrant and counting the days for a second vacation? Is it going to be like this over and over? At one point will I stop missing my country? If yes does it mean I will forget my family as well? If no will I ever be happy here?
I am not afraid of being apathic, I am afraid for people who loves me. I may not be a nice or good person anymore.
I realized that being nice and not mean can open many many doors, and not only with friends, but also at work.
But, as many other things in this country, the exaggeration brings people to think in the opposite way: you have to behave nicely instead of being nice. There is a thin difference but this can explain a lot of different daily things. Here it is an example: Situation 1
A: Hi, how aaare youuuu"?
B. I am dooing greeeat!!!! and you??
A: veeery good, thank you!!
this is different than this: Situation 2
A: ciao, come va?
B: non c'รจ male, tu?
C: mah, non mi lamento.
situation A is a typical american short talk, situation B is a typical italian talk.
In US after you say that, there is not so much important staff to talk about.. you think the conversation is over, and maybe that is what Americans want, they don't want to talk. And you brought the other person to believe that everything in your life is perfect, so even if the other has not such a great life, it fakes the answer to don't make the first one worried or inquiring more.
But since I am italian, I am curious, I like to socialize and listen to people problems, and hopefully help them, I trick people whenever I can with freezing sentences like: "this morning I really didn't want to wake up". The immediately reaction on the other side is astonishment and concern, as if you are going to suicide or similar. I don't know if people are nice or behave nicely, or worst, they are mean and wish you the worst thing, hiding this behind a fake smile. In Italy I would believe the third one, mostly because of our envies nature. But here I couldn't figure yet.
I think people are afraid to show their real emotions, which means this may be the excellent place to become apathic as stoicics.
On the other way we italians sometimes like to throw sand on ourselves, we pee against the wind, or give the hoe on our feet... in short, we like to complain even if our life is medium good... just because whenever something really good happens in our life, we like to "surprise" others and make them green of envy. Or maybe we want to be a little bit superstitious...
One time it happened to me during a conversation to hear this: "I am doing great, my son started school, my husband found a new job.. only... my dad was recently discovered with cancer".
Similar to this the immediate reaction was my worried face, and the girl in front of me said: " oh, don't worry... we knew that he was going to probably, and we are very positive about the possibility of new cure, we are sure he will fight it".
I would never announce such a touching personal news with all this optimism... these americans are awesome.. I don't know the reason of this self control, but I have a theory.
The mothers here are different and grow their kids in a different way than in Italy... one of this is the minor attachment that they create in terms of nutrition. They don't feed the babies, they watch the babies eating by themselves. And when they cry or complains their eyes are cold, indifferent, almost apathic. I am sure they force themselves being like this, or maybe they just... are like this.
Therefore they grow up less prone to give love. They give you their house, their car, their money, their time.. but they don't express emotions in the same way we do...
One of my friend dated an american-chinese guy and that is eve worst: his mother never kissed him!!!
To conclude, my theory is: apathy is a transient flexible status of the soul, everyone can experience it during lifetime several times.. it is similar to the reaction of breathing the helium: inert.
Feeling again emotions after apathy, re-gain the uncontrollable status of fluctuating sensations is like to come to the life over and over again... and this is similar only to one reaction: the first breath after born.
My day starts when i put my head on the pillow and I go to sleep, cause the way how I sleep determines the success of my tomorrow.
Good night and golden dreams.
Agatina
my answer
If only 4 nucleotides can combine in the DNA, to keep the secret of life, why biology is the most imprecise, unpredictable and incontrollable science?
Here it is the reason of my blog: the combination of a limited amount of words can create illimited amount of poems, poetry, romances, movies, articles, cards, books, and even blogs.
I want to use my limited amount of words to express how comunication generates emotions, and emotions generate love, and love generate science... ops sorry I mean to say life.
At least in my life.
Here it is the reason of my blog: the combination of a limited amount of words can create illimited amount of poems, poetry, romances, movies, articles, cards, books, and even blogs.
I want to use my limited amount of words to express how comunication generates emotions, and emotions generate love, and love generate science... ops sorry I mean to say life.
At least in my life.
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